A dramatic Champions League night that had six of English football’s biggest clubs in action has raised one vital question: what does all this mean for Manchester United?
Elsewhere in United Land, the Mirror produce two equally compelling arguments for why United actually might be about to sign Cole Palmer and why they might not, while there’s bad news for one of the club’s former ‘stars’.
What happens next
Fascinating to note that, after a night when six of England’s biggest clubs were all in simultaneous action with meaningful consequences that there is a distinct reduction in the amount of pure bullsh*t washing up on the shores of tabloid bay.
These are, of course, therefore the worst of all mornings for Mediawatch because pure bullsh*t is very much our bread and butter. Not literally.
So it will be Mediawatch at its most fussy and pedantic today, we fear, starting as we mean to go on with some nitpicking at The Sun.
Dramatic Champions League finale sees FIVE English sides straight into last 16… and they could face each other next.
Well, no they can’t. By definition none of the eight teams skipping straight into the last 16 can face each other next because they are the seeded teams for said last 16.
Chelsea, and only Chelsea, could face the SIXTH English side, Newcastle, next. But that’s not what you said, so nur.
The actual interesting ‘could face each other’ angle there, if you want it, is that Chelsea or Newcastle could face another English team in every round from the last 16 all the way to the final.
There’s a star man
Even on a bumper Champions League night when they were conspicuous by their absence, Manchester United remain a big draw for headline writers and guff peddlers up and down the land. The Sun bring us this one.
Former Man Utd star, 50, OUT as manager of League Two club staring down barrel at non-league football
Michael Appleton’s two League Cup appearances doing an awful lot of heavy lifting here.
20:20 vision
One transfer story that continues to rumble on despite almost no chance of it actually happening is the magnificently clicky idea of Cole Palmer – or to give him his new tabloid-approved full name ‘Boyhood Manchester United Fan Cole Palmer’ – skipping back up north to Old Trafford.
Unfortunately the last actual update on that was Liam Rosenior saying ‘LOL no’ (we’re paraphrasing, obviously; just imagine ‘LOL no’ but about 873 per cent more LinkedIn) and that’s no use at all.
So it is to tried and tested nonsense methods we must go. Enter the Mirror.
Cole Palmer can grab dream Man Utd shirt number if he completes shock transfer
Our usual eye-rolling response to these things was more confusion this time around. How can Chelsea’s No. 10 grab his ‘dream Man Utd shirt number’ when it is quite conspicuously being worn by actual recent United arrival Matheus Cunha?
We were fools. It’s been a busy few days and in our sleep-deprived state we for some reason briefly thought two very stupid things: a) that Cole Palmer actually has a dream shirt number and that b) that this actual number would be the number the Mirror were talking about.
Mediawatch needs an early night.
But here’s the actual dream scenario the Mirror have come up with.
Should United pursue a deal, then the perfect welcoming gesture could arrive in the squad number he receives. Currently, the club’s No.20 jersey is vacant for any fresh arrivals.
That was the number that Palmer wore in his first two seasons at Chelsea. He now wears the No.10 jersey there, however, after switching things around before the current season.
That number at United is currently taken up by summer signing Matheus Cunha, who is unlikely to relinquish the shirt without a fight. But the No.20 has been free since the end of last season, when Diogo Dalot vacated it.
So the ‘dream shirt number’ that will magically make this impossible transfer possible is one that is such a dream for Palmer that he stopped wearing it the moment a better one became available?
Get your PALMER 20 United shirts printed now, gang. This is a Here We Go.
Palm off
But wait a moment, what’s this? There’s more from this fast-developing story this morning. And this time it’s an actual news story about United’s potential pursuit of Palmer from actual Mirror journalist Jeremy Cross?
Manchester United will not be signing Cole Palmer this summer.
Cross is going to be so embarrassed when he finds out about the ‘dream shirt number’.
Five alive
But that’s still not the only way to make a Champions League night that featured zero Manchester United all about Manchester United, of course.
Particularly tough for the Manchester Evening News, and we do have some sympathy given they must either try and make it about United or pretend anyone outside cares about City.
They opted for the former.
Man United in Champions League boost as update spells good news for Michael Carrick
The update is that last night’s results mean the chances of the Premier League once again collecting a fifth Champions League place next season have gone from Extremely Likely to Even More Extremely Likely. And Manchester United might finish fifth.